My heart's Desire

  ^8 "“O Lord, to us belongs shame of face, to our kings, our princes, and our fathers, because we have sinned against You. ⁹ To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, though we have rebelled against Him. ¹⁰ We have not obeyed the voice of the Lord our God, to walk in His laws, which He set before us by His servants the prophets."  Daniel 9:8-10  

     When I was a child, I dreamed of being a missionary.  However as I got older, no one seemed to do that anymore.  I started to believe that the world know about God, but chose to ignore Him.  I began to live my life with one foot in the Christian world and one foot in the human world.  I was miserable.  I seemed to turn everywhere, but to God.  Finally, I got to a point that I just couldn't do it anymore. I started reading my Bible for the first time outside of Church.  It was a miracle.  God began to transform my heart even though I had no idea what I even wanted from Him or how to pray to change the life that I had managed to mess up so badly.
 

   I wish I could say that I changed over night, but I did not.  It was gradual, but it was also permanent.  In my early 20s I thought that I had found the man that God has given me.  I fell in love fast and hard. I ignored every sign that he may not be the man for me.  I married him fairly quickly and found out almost immediately that it was a mistake.  But, marriage it forever, a contract between two people and God.   It took a long time to see that God did not want that life for me.  He could not use me if I was dead on the inside.  This time in my life, I turned to Him completely.  He gave me the strength and the love to do what I had to do. 

     I felt the call to serve Him full time in my mid 20's, but I had made so many mistakes.  I struggled with forgiving myself.  I knew He had forgiven me, but I live in a fallen world.  I knew people would judge me.  How could I make a stand for God when no one would ever want to be taught by a fallen person like myself.  However, God is patient.  He gave me opportunities to do things that I never really thought I ever could do.  He made me strong and He opened up the hearts of others to hear my story.  Once I started opening up, I found love from others that I never thought would be there.  I had to give people the chance to love me.
  

  Many years down the road, I finally made it as a missionary.  I have been in a different country for almost eight months now.  It is hard.  It is much easier in the US to talk to people because of the language difference, but I love my life here.  I am scheduled to be here for another year and a few months.  My hopes and dreams are that I will be able to come back.  I don't know for how long, but this is where God has placed me for now.  I am a blessed woman.